By Mark Yannone

Posted April 16, 2005
Saturday April 9, 2005

Source: http://www.mediabypass.com/article.asp?id=2005040002

Imagine, if you will, a customer service call...

Car dealer: "Cars R Us. This is Fred speaking. How may I help you?"

Customer: "Yeah, I have a question about a car I bought from you guys a while ago. Under the hood, along the right edge, there are two caps: one green and one red. I wanted to check, am I supposed to put windshield washer fluid in the green one? And what's the red one for?"

Car dealer: "The green cap is for the introduction of certain liquids which serve certain purposes related to certain functions of the car. The green cap does not override the red cap, and your question about the red cap is frivolous."

Customer: "Uh... that didn't really answer my question. Is there someone else I can speak to?"

Car dealer: "Our specialists have ruled against the argument you're making. The green cap is for hydraulic fluid. Let me get Bob for you..."

Customer: "Huh? I don't see anything in the manual about the green cap being for hydraulic fluid. It looks to me like..."

Car dealer #2: "This is Bob speaking, and I'm upholding Fred's ruling. The green cap is for motor oil."

Customer: "What? Fred just said it was for hydraulic fluid. I'm just trying to make sure I do this right."

Car dealer #2: "Well, whatever the green cap is for, it's not for whatever you think it's for."

Customer: "What?! Well, it has that little symbol that looks like a sprinkler thingy, so I thought it would be for windshield washer fluid. Isn't that right?"

Car dealer #2: "I'm not going to continue this discussion. If you have any legitimate questions, I'd be happy to answer them."

Customer: "What?? I'm just trying to... Can I speak to your supervisor?"

Car dealer #2: "My supervisor told me not to let you talk to him. Your question has already been ruled on."

Customer: "Look, I'm trying to do this the way I'm supposed to, but I can't get a straight answer about which cap is for what. Is there someone else there I can talk to?"

Car dealer #3: "This is Chuck. The green cap may be for windshield washer fluid, but either way the car needs oil."

Customer: "What do you mean it 'may' be for windshield washer fluid?? You guys know how your own cars work, don't you?? I'm just trying to make sure I do this the way I'm supposed to. The manual is somewhat confusing. It says that..."

Car dealer #3: "If you persist in this line of questioning, I'm going to have to impose a $500 frivolous inquiry fee against you. Just put in the right fluids, in the right places, or you're just asking for trouble."

Customer: "What?!? I'm just trying to find out what I'm supposed to do. As far as I can tell, the green cap is for windshield washer fluid, and you guys won't answer simple questions, so I guess I'll just put the windshield washer in the green..."

Police officer: "This is the police. Stay where you are. Officers are on their way to arrest you. You really should have done what you were told."

[Afterword: The next day, the police issue a press release, praising the department's successful car fluid enforcement programs. Eileen O'Conman, the head of the Car Fluid Division, stated "this should be a warning to all those who perpetrate car fluid scams; we will find you, and break your kneecaps (you scum of the earth!), and make you an example to all others tempted to engage in fraudulent windshield washer fluid schemes! Do as you're told or else!"]