I. I am the Lord of the Talmud, thou shalt have no Biblical God before me.

II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any but Satanic images: the witch, symbol of the city government and police department of Salem, Massachusetts; the five-pointed occult pentagram of Sirius, of the state religion of Egypt, emblem of the Department of Defense and our Armed Forces, and the badge of US law enforcement at all levels; the pyramid of Pharaoh, capped by the all-Seeing Eye of Horus, emblazoned on the currency in the denomination of one shekel.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy god in vain: thou shalt not blaspheme the name Rabbi, Israeli, Zionism, "U.S. government", or any politician or agency.

IV. Remember the Wal Mart sale on the Sabbath Day, and keep it holy by spending. Seven days must thou labor, that thereby thou shalt spend ever more.

V. Honor thy son and thy daughter. Neither spank nor say no to them when they seek to consume the sex and violence that is dangled before them from every lawful venue. Thy daughter shalt dress like a cheap harlot from the age of eight onward, and thy son shall engage in bloody video games, likewise from his eighth year. All of these are legal and profitable, saith the Lord.

VI. Thou shalt not kill the molester of 150 children in his prison cell, and thou shalt condemn the convict who executes the molester, lest such justice be encouraged, and lest it be known that the convict had greater common sense and honor than a legion of our judges.

VII. Thou shalt commit adultery and televise and popularize it throughout the land, and broadcast it into Afghanistan and Iraq, that thereby the Muslims shall be vouchsafed a share in our democracy and freedom.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal from us, for we detest competition.

IX. Thou shalt indeed bear false witness, for by perjury our Law is established.

X. Covet thy neighbor's goods and thy neighbor's wife, for thereby doth our Order prosper.