A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest
man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.
The priest reflects back on his life, and told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.
The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of
his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he
doesn't get a new heart soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor
calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak
condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000.'
The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.
'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the
side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000.'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well, this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised,
drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000.'
'Five-hundred grand?!?', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer...so it was never used!'
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute: "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
The lawyer continued: "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.
The lawyer interrupted her apology, saying: "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut her off once again: "...So, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any money to you?!?"