My Husband's Marriage Secrets

by Henny Youngman, comedian

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
6. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
7. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
8. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
10. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
11. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" …I said, "Dust!".
12. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to!
13. A beggar walked up to my wife shopping on Michigan Ave. and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."