A.L.E.R.T.
(America Law Education Rights & Taxation)

12-24-2001
Seasons Greetings (From The Legal Department)

May the corpulent pagan elf in the red jumpsuit remember you and yours this evening, as INFORM AMERICA! wishes you a ...

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS (from the legal department)

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! -- From us ("the wishor") to you (hereinafter "the wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and; a materialistically successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee. 

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that: this greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal; This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged; This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes; This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor; This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first; The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor; Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged. Any and all disputes arising out of this holiday greeting shall be resolved by arbitration, under the auspices of the Holiday Dispute Resolution Panel. The Holiday Dispute Resolution Panel is a not-for-profit, non-denominational, non-secular, non-sectarian, nonjudgmental, disinterested, asexual, non-sequitur body of independent, unaffiliated persons and non-persons.

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POLITICALLY CORRECT 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult relationship gave to me:

* TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

* ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract, even though they will not be asked to play a note),

* TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

* NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

* EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

* SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, 

* SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

* FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

* FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

* THREE deconstructionist poets,

* TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

and...

* ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.