1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get  into my own pants. 

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content. 

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it so I said "Implants?" 

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here. 

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. 

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message! 

15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. 

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 

21. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! 

22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 

23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 

24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 

25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 

26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"